i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
