I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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