remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
