he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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