I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
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Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
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At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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