FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize