Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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