Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
