yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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