It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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