I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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