Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
