he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
