I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
as a side note pls kill me
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
