Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
