Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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