Got a toothbrush?
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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