I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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