weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
