cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
