Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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