I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
