Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
