i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
