break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
