And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
