i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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