I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
