I'm jealous of your bromance
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
