Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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