We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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