sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
