I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
