Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
