OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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