there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
