If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
