Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
