remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just want nice things and good sex
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
