8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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