I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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