Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
