I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
PANTIES FOUND
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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