They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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