your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
