We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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