M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Randomize