Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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