if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
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It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
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Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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