I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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