Need sex. Gaining weight.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
