my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
