The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
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Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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