do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
