It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
