You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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