I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
