By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
