i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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