So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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